Our due date was June 1st or May 31st, depending on who you talked to. The day before Thanksgiving, we had an appointment with my midwife to hear the heartbeat for the first time. We had gone the week before and hadn't been able to hear anything. Now, at 12 weeks, we knew we should be able to. We didn't. After working with this midwife while pregnant with and delivering Daisy, we are like family. She loves Jesus too, which makes it all the more wonderful. I could tell. She looked into my eyes, and I knew. No heartbeat.
We had an ultrasound. And a follow up ultrasound. And another. All the same. We aren't new to these feelings. Second miscarriage. Third baby to say good bye to. But it still hurts just the same. It doesn't get easier. Yes, it was a great gift to find out early and say good bye earlier than we did with Paul. But, it is still sad. A reminder of this broken world we live in. A reminder of why the new heavens and new earth are something I cling to. Hope in. I cried. A lot. In front of my midwife. You know the kind of crying that is embarrassing. Yep, that kind of crying.
Then we told Annabelle and Ava. Ooh. That is no fun. We all went through waves of emotion. Annabelle was super sad, wishing we could have known the gender, so we could have named it. Then, she had a quick spell of thinking God was mean, and she didn't like Him! "We have three sick babies in Heaven now. I don't like Him. Why would He do that!!!" Even though it is never fun to see your child's folly, this was good. We have had many great chances to talk through these feelings, compare them to scripture and work through it together.
We had just read in Proverbs 17:3, "The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, but the Lord tests the hearts." Obviously, my kids didn't understand it, and I barely knew what a crucible was either! So, we had talked it over and come to understand that testing through suffering and difficulty will help purify us, getting rid of our sin and conforming us to Christ. And seriously, the next day, we found out about the miscarriage. It was a real life lesson for all of us...why we can be joyful in this sadness and loss and trust that God is always good.
A few weeks later, after waiting for my body to miscarry on its own, after the baby's heart beat had stopped now for 9 weeks, we decided to go in for a d&c. I have already had one before Annabelle was born. I REALLY don't like it. I hate the idea of what they are doing to you while you are completely out, but God has a lot to teach me. I was scared and nervous about anything that could go wrong. Why haven't I learned it yet!!!! God has got me covered. I don't need to worry about myself. I can walk forward with complete confidence and gratitude, knowing that He is with me, guiding me and establishing each step. Still learning:)
Lately, we have been reading through the Chronicles of Narnia series, and we were at the Magician's Nephew. Near the end, the witch has entered Narnia at the beginning of its existence, as Aslan is still creating. She finds a garden with fruit that can give you eternal youth, climbs the wall and eats of the fruit.
At the entrance to the garden, it was written,
"Come in by the gold gates or not at all,
Take of my fruit for others or forbear.
For those who steal or those who climb my wall
Shall find their heart's desire and find despair."
Later, when talking to the children, Aslan says, "While that Tree flourishes she will never come down into Narnia. She dare not come within a hundred miles of the Tree, for its smell, which is joy and life and health to you, is death and horror and despair to her." Polly becomes confused, because she saw the witch eat the apple and saw the joy in the witch's face. Aslan then explains to them that since she has eaten one, that is "why all the rest are now a horror to her. That is what happens to those who pluck and eat fruits at the wrong time and in the wrong way. The fruit is good, but they loathe it ever after." And Polly replies, "And I suppose because she took it in the wrong way it won't work with her. I mean it won't make her always young and all that?" "Alas," said Aslan, "It will. Things always work according to their nature. She has won her heart's desire; she has unwearying strength and endless days like a goddess. But length of days with an evil heart is only length of misery and already she begins to know it. All get what they want: they do not always like it."
This might not mean much to you, my dear readers, but God is teaching me, and I am slowly learning that I don't know what is best. I can't trust that what I want is what I really want. I need what God plans for me. I don't need what I want. As my mind is renewed in God's truths, and as I trust in Him more each day, He will give me the desires of my heart. I will desire for God's will to be done. My immediate happiness cannot be my concern. I do not want to strive for what I want....lots of children, an easy peesy life, or no more suffering....then finally get what I want, and then realize that none of it will satisfy! Only Christ will satisfy. If I never have any more children, or if he gifts us with more, either way, my joy is found in salvation through Christ alone. Whether I have health problems forever, or never enter a hospital again, I hope in God alone.
I praise God and thank Him. Thank Him for my d&c. Thank Him for this loss. Thank Him for caring more about conforming me to Christ, than about my immediate happiness. I praise God for being so strong and so Holy, that He never wavers, and He always does what is best for His children. He never withholds good from the upright, from those who call Him Father. I thank Him for reminding me that true JOY is only found in the center of God's will.
Much love from one sister to another,
Deb
Beautiful! Much love to you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou have walked through my one of my greatest fears, the loss of a child (on either side of the womb). I was just talking with my mom yesterday and she was asking me to pray for this lady at her church who was pregnant and spotting and that everything would be ok and she the lady had faith that it would be. I told my mother that my prayer for myself (because I battle extreme fear over losing a child, unborn & born) that my faith would not be in"everything being ok" but that my faith would be in Christ alone and His plan not mine. I pray that I might come to wholeheartedly trust His plan for even when it's obviously not my own.
ReplyDeleteYour post is a beautiful testimony of the grace of God pouring out of you. It's so refreshing and convicting to hear you sacrificing your wants for His. After all my years of blog reading this post is probably the most encouraging and God centered I have ever read.
Having said all that I can't imagine the pain you must be facing. You and your family are in my prayers!
Emily sent me this, and I wish I could say I was as strong as you. I'm not. I can read what you write and agree with you 110%, but when it comes to me putting it into practice, it's much harder.
ReplyDeleteIn November/December, I just went through my 6th loss (and this one was my latest, at nearly 10 weeks) and I am still struggling with it. This time was the most difficult for me because after 3 early losses in 2010, I HAD come to this place of faith. And then, only to get nearly into my 2nd trimester of believing everything was okay (even feeling baby move), I, too, discovered no heartbeat. To make things worse, just over 2 weeks later I went through actual labor to birth the sac. It was the most physically and emotionally painful thing I'd ever gone through.
It's a hard place to be in, wondering why God allows me to get pregnant but it's not His will for me to keep those babies. It's difficult for me to have so many friends who, like myself, desperately want all their babies, yet they have never endured loss- not because I want them to, but because I am desperate for their true understanding (though unfortunately, it only COMES with loss). I wonder why I'm different.
As far as my future goes, I am working so hard on coming to terms (and understanding) with knowing God CAN, but that doesn't mean He always WILL...and also having faith withOUT doubts. I can easily make sense of both truths individually, but together is another thing. For me it's VERY hard to put the two together, because my way of protecting myself from hurting so badly if it happens again is very clearly reminding myself that it may not be His will, yet that often comes through as doubt on the part of my faith. So obviously it's hard.
Thanks for sharing, Deb. We love you guys!
ReplyDeleteSuch good food for thought - thanks, Debra!
ReplyDeleteWow, the Narnia scene is powerful! Haven't read that one for a looong time.
Dear friend of Emily, would you email me so I could respond personally? I would love to talk. I am so sorry I haven't responded till now. We have all gone threw a bout of sickness.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand that what you are going in is hard...beyond hard. We can know the truth, but in the midst of suffering, it is still hard. I would love of you went to my CATEGORIES section and read my posts from when I lost our baby Paul at birth. Loss I hard. No two ways about it. It causes me to come to terms with WHY I am here and WHAT God promises. I have come to learn that we are tools. God may gift us children, but they aren't for us. My goal and joy is to found in Christ and being confirmed to Him. I too often focus on my selfish desires and believe the lie that they will SATISFY. Only Christ love and grace can satisfy. Oh how often I forget!!!
God promises to discipline those He loves. I had a hard time with this idea for a long time.
Continued.....
ReplyDeleteBut I soon came to understand that discipline is not like getting spanked for some way I disobeyed, but rather it is a way of training my heart and conforming my heart and actions to Christ's. Accepting that life is about my eternal happiness and joy, rather than about getting what I want now IS very hard. But God is here with you and He is patient. He loves you. He knows what you're going through. Pour out your heart.
And email me. I would love to talk to you. I love you!
Debra; you are such a gem...a beautiful heart. Love your heart, your words and tone, and most of all...your pure, deep, simple faith. How blessed are your girls, family and friends!
ReplyDeleteDebra,
ReplyDeleteI am a old coworker of your sister in law Hannah. I have been silently following for a long time and have to say you are amazing. Your heart and love for the Lord is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing yourself and your family with us so honestly.