What my children really need...

I lie in bed, exhausted but awake, emotional.  I turn to Nate, and he knows.  It is one of those nights.  I need to talk.  Tears are begging to be let loose, but I try to hold it together.  I mutter these words. 

"Have I ruined my children?  Am I ruining them?"

You know those feelings?  You aren't enough.  You can't be enough to those beautiful eyes that rely on you each and every moment of the day.  I am not fun enough, creative enough, patient enough, kind enough, loving enough.  I don't have enough energy. 

I don't look into his eyes, because I know I'll cry, and I know we both just need some sleep.  So, I close my eyes, hoping that he will give me some sort of encouragement.  Deep down, I want him to tell me I am wonderful, a perfect mother, who will raise perfect children with no faults, no insecurities, and no problems. 

However, instead, he rolls over and speaks truth, saying, "They are already ruined, Deb.  They were born ruined."  They just need us to show them Jesus, their Savior. 

I knew that.  But I still had this great fear.  Fear that I could mess them up, even more.  Forgetting I am a sinner, they are sinners...all in need of a Savior. 

Fear.  Fear is not from God. 

We are hungry for healing.  My brokenness, their brokenness can lead me to Christ.  It can send me to my knees for the grace to overcome my sin, my impatience, my exhaustion....

I can't be enough for my children, but everytime I fail and fall short, I can point them to Jesus and press on.  They can learn how to humble themselves, ask forgiveness and turn from their sinful ways.

Praise God, I don't have to be enough.  Jesus is!

Marriage as worship

Nate and I on our honeymoon, almost seven years ago.

I am joining Ann over the next few Wednesdays in thinking on marriage as Valentine's Day approaches. Oh Valentine's Day, a funny day.  As I think of where we have been and our history, I am flooded with memories of dating, 15 and 16, clueless of true love, dating as the world dates, seeking to fill a void that only He can fill.  Each Valentine's Day, I would dream of all the ways Nate could lavish gifts on me and surprise me with special treats, hoping he could satisfy my desire to be wooed.  Wishing for excitement, romance and emotional bliss, and yet, each year, I was a little disappointed, fawning over all the ways other girls were spoiled.  This, obviously, translated into our every day relationship, and later, our marriage. 

I was the focus.

How will he love me, serve me, spoil me, be sweet to me?  Why won't he do this or that?  The poor guy could never win.  I was hoping for a husband that would make me fill loved, desired, perfect, beautiful and special.  I didn't realize that I already had the great Lover of my soul living within me.

It is no wonder the beginning of marriage was difficult.  I was hoping for Nate to be the spiritual leader of our home.  He wasn't living up to my expectations.  My focus was still on what he could do for me. 

I praise the Lord my eyes have been opened.  I was living for myself, seeking my own gain.  Idol worship.  And I thought I could get Nate to live for me also.  What a disappointing road I was on, and then God got a hold of my heart and revealed where I had gone wrong.  Over the years, I have learned.

Marriage is an act of worship.

A way to serve my creator, give thanks to my creator.  I am committing idol worship when I am focused on what Nate could be for me, instead of what I can be for Christ.  This requires daily reprogramming.  On my knees, coming to the Lord for a steady focus.  I too easily become self-serving, self-focused and concerned with pleasing myself.  Have I not learned yet that it is impossible to please myself, let alone for Nate to please me.  The Maker of my soul alone can satisfy. 

God is so good.  As I daily seek to worship Him by serving Nate and making my home, Nate becomes more of a leader, my home becomes a retreat for the weary and a beacon of truth.  Our relationship as husband and wife is fulfilling, because our focus is no longer our fickle selves, but we are focused on the goodness of God all around us. 

Humility precedes wisdom.  I must remember the sin I have been delivered from and the gift of marriage and family that I have been given as an act of God's grace.  Grace.  It is all grace.  My eyes can only be fixed on one thing at a time.  Myself or God.  When I am wishing he would be better or be doing something more, my focus is wrong.  Each moment of the day is a way to worship God, by serving those in my home.

When I am the focus, this home can crumble.  O Lord, as I look on this day, this Valentine's Day, may I love selflessly, with no expectation of return, no matter how he is acting or loving me.  May I love as you love.  Graciously, lavishly.  May I be frivolous in how I serve, seeking to worship you in how I love.  May I be reminded this Valentine's Day that you are the Lover of my soul, the great giver of life, and you alone deserve the glory.  You can be trusted.  You will satisfy.

Words that give life - Cultivating a Place of Grace

Almost a month into the new year, our new baby Daisy is nearly three months old, and I am finally finding my bearings.  Feeling somewhat rested, confident to venture out or stay in, feeling a little more comfortable in my skin...a mother of three and wife of almost seven years.  I am finding my days to be refining, to say the least.  My days begin before the sun rises as little Ava wakes me up, saying "Mommy, it is a little morning time....I see the sun.  Look, mom!  You see?  We can wake up now!  May I have an apple?"  Everyday, no matter what.  We eat, we play princesses and dress up, we read and read and read, we take walks, go to the park, do laundry, do chores and stay home a lot.  I love my days.  But as most days go, I find myself coming up short. 

When I am exhausted, lonely and trying to live life on my own, my words go south.  I raise my voice, my face is mean and my words cut like swords.  I see it in their faces.  Tears stream down their faces and their hearts break.  My heart drops.  I have done it again. Even though I apologized yesterday and last week and the month before, I did it again.  How can this happen?  Repentance is making a u turn, turning away from my sin.  How can I keep tearing down those whom I love the most?

I need to trust God and His word.  It is better to be quick to hear and slow to speak.  I need to answer contention and disobedience in my home with gracious words, smiles, hugs and patience.  And it is by God's grace and His work in me alone, that I can breath His life into my home and the lives that live here.  I can give life, not death.  My home can be a place of grace.  Law must exist to understand grace, but love must cover all I do here.  I must remember to expect sin, expect brokenness from fallen creatures.  Why am I always surprised?  High goals but low expectations...be ready to battle sin with love.

As voices rises, when patience runs thin and my children disobey, harsh words are never the answer.  The answer to strife is quietness.  Gracious words.  A calm answer to a moment gone wrong.  Their stiff bodies soften, their faces show smiles, and we experience unity again as we seek to right the wrong, expose sin and turn our hearts toward Jesus.  Harshness is never the answer.  They will not be encouraged to grow or change.  I will not be building them up in the Lord or encouraging them to obey God or see Christ in each situation.

Proverbs 15:1,18 says, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger...A hot-tempered man stirs up strif, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention."

I have been practicing, and you know what, God's word remains true.  I still correct my children, but when I am tempted to be angry and speak harshly which will only tear down, I remain calm and share God's truth with a smile.  I point their hearts to Jesus who can take our hearts of stone and give us new hearts.  I have found that most often, a hug will soften my ugly heart and prepare the hearts of my girls to receive instruction.  It sounds crazy, but love is the answer.  They still need disicipline, and I still need to be firm and consistent, but that can be covered in love and guided by soft words.  It has been refreshing and encouraging.  Our days are smoother, and I have less frustration when conflict arises.  Conflict will happen.  What can I control?  My tongue.  What can I control?  My face.  What can I control?  My tone.  What is the goal?  Unity and restoration. 

So needless to say, this is one of many habits I will cling to this new year.  I will be revisiting it often.  I pray we all can gain this self-discipline.

Much Love!