"I can't!"

Feeding Betty Lou at the Santa Barbara Zoo

So, there I was, laying on the rug in the living room, flipping through my Ball Canning and Preserving book, trying to distract myself from the aches and pains of pregnancy.  I asked Nate to come over and talk to me, because I was having a hard time emotionally handling the feeling of my body falling apart.  I had 8 weeks to go and had no idea how my body was going to handle the extra weight.

I felt weak.  I felt tired.  I felt scared. 

I know this is the hard time.  It always is.  The third trimester is hard, uncomfortable, and tiring, and I know that in 8 weeks, I will be holding a baby and know it was all worth it.  I will look you in the eyes and tell you I will do it all over again to have another one.  But right now, I was discouraged.

Nate so sweetly came to my side, and as I explained to him my feelings, I began to cry, sharing my raw emotions.  "How will my body hold up?  Can I really do this again?".  He just looked at me with a sweet grin and then laid down next to me, just holding me tight as tears ran down my face.

After some sobbing and some silence, he said, "Debra, I am so grateful that you are willing to serve our baby girl in this way."

What a thought.  I knew this.  But my emotions and feelings had gotten the best of me.  Servanthood.  That is what this life is all about...selfless servanthood.  This is where I need to be.  Sacrificing ease and comfort to be used by God to bring another baby in the world who can know my Lord and Savior....YES, sign me up.

In the last week, Nate and I have been discussing this all too often place we find ourselves in...the I CAN'T place.  As a sinful race, we try to flee from it.  We like control.  We like easy.  We like convenient.  Our pride blinds us from the reality that we can never do it on our own. 

Where we are weak, He is strong.  I CAN'T is the best place to be.  It is here where I am reminded that I can't live on my own strength.  I need God every moment of the day.  It is these days where I am brought to my knees with cares, concerns, and anxiety where I can find my strength in God.  It is here where I realize my utter hopelessness without my Creator.  I should seek to always be here, live here, dwell and abide in this scary place where I have no control and I give all control to Christ. 

So today, I praise God for this place of I CAN'T.  I thank Him for reminding me that I never can.  Like Eve, I believe the lie that God isn't looking out for my best, and therefore I need to look out for myself.  Thank you God for still loving me and granting me another daughter to teach me this wonderful lesson.  Each day is not my own, but Yours.  I can never do it without You.  I pray I remember that, always.  Each day should begin seeking you and never stopping. 

A Signpost

Vacations are over and baby is just 9 weeks away.  I am so glad summer is still here and will be here in Southern California for a couple more months:)  However, I am having a little trouble over here in blog world.  This blog began like most do, just a place to display pictures of my beautiful little Annabelle (I was a very proud parent!)  Then, I began to mingle posts in that focused on things that God was teaching me, which directly lead into the path God led us down with the conception, pregnancy, birth and death of our baby Paul.  And this is where I am now.  I am struggling to blog...I have many things I would love to write about, but I struggle knowing whether my words have any importance.  What would God have me write.  I know that once words are said, it is impossible to take them back.  The words I choose are important.  So.  Why blog?  And if blog, what do you blog about?

On the other hand, I know how blessed I have been by other people's stories.  God's truths can come alive and I can be redirected to love Him more in all I do when I read about the struggles and triumphs of others.  I can walk with them and be encouraged by them.  Stories are helpful, and God uses stories to direct and redirect us.  I am not crafty, nor am I an expert in anything, but I am a mom and a wife seeking to serve God in all I do and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.  That said, there is plenty to write on!

So, this is where I have ended up.  I will still blog, even though I can't imagine anyone would really want to read about my life, my family or my walk with the Lord, yet I pray that all I say will direct you to God's word and a complete devotion to living for Him.  I pray that if you like something I write, that you will thank God for His words, and if you don't like what I write, just ignore me:)

A.W. Tozer said it perfectly in God's Pursuit of Man:

The worst thing a book can do for a Christian is to leave him with the impression that he has received from it anything really good; the best it can do is to point the way to the Good he is seeking.  The function of a good book is to stand like a signpost directing the reader toward the Truth and the Life.  That book serves best which early makes itself unnecessary, just as a signpost serves best after it is forgotten, after the traveler has arrived safely at his desired haven.  The work of a good book is to incite the reader to moral action, to turn his eyes toward God and urge him forward.  Beyond that it cannot go.

Amen!  So, I will use his words and say that it is my goal in this blog to serve as a signpost, directing you all to the only true Good of Christ our Savior.  I may use real life stories, struggles and triumphs, but I pray that this little meager blog will serve as a place that will point you Home. 

With much love,
Deb