Enjoying the Rain

Who's idea was it to go walking that day where it was forecasted to rain?  Nate and I still disagree on that point:)

 Nate was finally home from work, and we were itching to get outside, so after breakfast and morning chores, we decide to walk to Target.  It is only 1 1/2 miles each way, so we thought we would be back in no time:)  A leisurely walk and enjoyable time, and we shop at Target for all the necessities and more, and as we finish up, I hear a woman say, "The weather man was right...rain in the afternoon."  Nate and I just smile, realizing we have no umbrella, two girls, one blanket and one long walk back in the rain. We bundle up and start to run, but being that I am not a runner, it was more of a walk/run.  We couldn't stop laughing.  Tempted to be annoyed because I couldn't feel my hands and I was soaked to the core, but instead we enjoyed the gift of rain and tried to teach our girls to enjoy unexpected adventures...but only Ava learned that lesson that day:)  As we neared our house, I slowed down, closed my eyes and enjoyed the rain on my face.  I was freezing, but I took the time to enjoy the rain.  God's gift.  It is all grace.  It is all God's gift.  A walk with my family, unexpected rain, and a chance to laugh....it is all a gift.  

When it rains....I have learned....slow down and enjoy. 

Rain comes when it is necessary.  And we all need it.  Embrace it and enjoy.  

And when it isn't raining, prepare for the rain.  I could have enjoyed the rain a little more, had I been prepared:)  

With that thought, I remember the best way to live life is by enjoying every moment, which is possible by remembering each second is a gift of God.  Counting my blessings...from laundry to date night...from sleepless nights to easy days.  It is all a gift.  

Counting my blessings in pictures...

"But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God. I trust in the steadfast love of God forever and ever.  I will thank you forever, because you have done it.  I will wait for your name, for it is good, in the presence of the godly." Psalm 52:8-9

Thanks to Amanda for matching aprons:)  Baking is always an adventure around here.

Special day with Aunt Robyn and Pilot Uncle Sam.....enjoying the planes and helicopters, learning about the exciting world in the air.

"With a freewill offering I will sacrifice to You; I will give thanks to your name, O Lord for it is good."  Psalm 54:6

                                                             With much love,

My Grief Lingers

"Hey Mama, look, there is a snail!" squeels Annabelle as we look at an animal book, "We don't like snails.  Eeeewww!  They are ooey gooey.  Just like baby brother's head."  And she laughs.  "And we held him and rocked him and then he went to be with Jesus."  I sigh and chuckle at how little minds wander so quickly form thought to thought.  "And one day mama, when I get older and I a mommy, my belly is gonna grow bigger and bigger and then my baby will go to heaven."  I want to cry and tears well up.  She is so sweet and only remembers baby brother Paul with fond memories, and she has no idea that sadness should accompany any of those beautiful memories in the hospital room.  But I know.  I miss that day. 

I know I am not alone.  Loss.  Empty arms.  Empty womb.  The longing to hold a warm, cuddly baby.  I cry.  I wish.  I long.  There is no specific time of day or month that brings me sadness, just these moments when my girls pray for Paul and remember him fondly. 

I swallow the lump in my throat and have to remind her that not all babies go straight to heaven, as I bring to her mind all the little babies we love and see often.  After these precious conversations, I sometimes cry, sometimes dream and sometimes push my feelings aside and just do the next thing. 

I have to wrestle with these real thoughts and feelings, and I have been forced to ask God how He would have me handle these hard moments that happen daily.

Things I know for certain:

Am I relying on the birth of another child to make me whole or to feel complete? Or am I relying on my position as a child of God to make me feel complete. Only the latter will happen. If I can choose to find joy in today, then I can experience joy in all things, not just joyous circumstances.

HOPE..."and we exult in hope of the glory of God.  And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint,  because the love of God has been pured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  Romans 5:2-5

My hope is in who God is.
My hope is in my salvation.
My hope is in God's perfect love for me.
My hope is in God's promise to perfect my faith.
My hope is in Jesus' promise to come back and bring us to a world where there is no suffering.
My hope is that while I was dead, Christ died or me.

My hope is not in the idea that I may have another child.
My hope is not in the idea that I will one day get what I want.
My hope is not in the easy life.
My hope is not my will be done.

I know this is a crazy post to share on a day I have dedicated to counting God's blessings, but I want to share a little of this process of grief with you friends and encourage those on the same path. 

WHAT IS THE GOAL?  To be like Christ. 

The tears may keep coming, and the longings will still plague us, but only God can satisfy.  Our arms yearn for babies, but only God can satisfy.  I cannot spend my time wishing God will one day grant my heart's desire, but I must spend my time asking Him to conform my will to His, for He loves us more than we will ever love our children...that is true.  I can be joyful, even if I don't feel like it.  God will use my grief  to transform me and shape me.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your fath produces steadfastness And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  James 1:2

I must dwell on true, pure and holy ideas and hope in what I know for sure, and that is where my heart's longings will be satisfied.  I pray you can be satisfied today by counting God's blessings, beginning with His grace on your life.

Father, I praise you for choosing me.  I am unworthy and yet You still love me.  I praise You that I can be confident in You and hope in Your salvation.   

Thank you Lord for Paul.  Thank you for taking him.  Thank you for exactly where I am.  Thank you for the family you have given me.  Thank you for tears.  Thank you for knowing my sorrow and carrying me through.