"I can't!"

Feeding Betty Lou at the Santa Barbara Zoo

So, there I was, laying on the rug in the living room, flipping through my Ball Canning and Preserving book, trying to distract myself from the aches and pains of pregnancy.  I asked Nate to come over and talk to me, because I was having a hard time emotionally handling the feeling of my body falling apart.  I had 8 weeks to go and had no idea how my body was going to handle the extra weight.

I felt weak.  I felt tired.  I felt scared. 

I know this is the hard time.  It always is.  The third trimester is hard, uncomfortable, and tiring, and I know that in 8 weeks, I will be holding a baby and know it was all worth it.  I will look you in the eyes and tell you I will do it all over again to have another one.  But right now, I was discouraged.

Nate so sweetly came to my side, and as I explained to him my feelings, I began to cry, sharing my raw emotions.  "How will my body hold up?  Can I really do this again?".  He just looked at me with a sweet grin and then laid down next to me, just holding me tight as tears ran down my face.

After some sobbing and some silence, he said, "Debra, I am so grateful that you are willing to serve our baby girl in this way."

What a thought.  I knew this.  But my emotions and feelings had gotten the best of me.  Servanthood.  That is what this life is all about...selfless servanthood.  This is where I need to be.  Sacrificing ease and comfort to be used by God to bring another baby in the world who can know my Lord and Savior....YES, sign me up.

In the last week, Nate and I have been discussing this all too often place we find ourselves in...the I CAN'T place.  As a sinful race, we try to flee from it.  We like control.  We like easy.  We like convenient.  Our pride blinds us from the reality that we can never do it on our own. 

Where we are weak, He is strong.  I CAN'T is the best place to be.  It is here where I am reminded that I can't live on my own strength.  I need God every moment of the day.  It is these days where I am brought to my knees with cares, concerns, and anxiety where I can find my strength in God.  It is here where I realize my utter hopelessness without my Creator.  I should seek to always be here, live here, dwell and abide in this scary place where I have no control and I give all control to Christ. 

So today, I praise God for this place of I CAN'T.  I thank Him for reminding me that I never can.  Like Eve, I believe the lie that God isn't looking out for my best, and therefore I need to look out for myself.  Thank you God for still loving me and granting me another daughter to teach me this wonderful lesson.  Each day is not my own, but Yours.  I can never do it without You.  I pray I remember that, always.  Each day should begin seeking you and never stopping.