Patience

Just earlier today, before our appointment, Nate and I were commenting on patience, as we looked at our squeeze bottle of ketchup. Since Nate can retain any type of information, he remembers movies and commercials better than anyone I know...so, he remembers the commercial for Heinz ketchup that said "Good things come to those who wait." This was back in the day when we had glass bottles that needed a little jiggling to get ketchup out. But we live in a world, where everyone is looking for the fastest and easiest way to do things.

Anyways, Nate and I had another doctor's appointment last week and have been reminded of how the hardest is yet to come, and we have more waiting to do. It is hard to imagine God expecting us to wait any longer or the end to come, but I know He will provide the strength. Our specialist couldn't be there for the ultrasound today due to jury duty, so we had a different doctor with us who spent at least 20 minutes talking to us and explaining things to us. Since our baby boy hasn't died yet, they are now expecting him to go full term. He is growing regularly and still moving. He will come spontaneously like any normal baby, and we will deliver him like we have our two other girls. He will look a little different, but for the most part, he will be a normal baby with a super large abdomen. He will struggle to take his first breath and then turn blue.

I remember when we found out about his obtructed bladder at 10 weeks, and I found comfort in the idea that we could miscarry soon and "this would all be over with." As the weeks go by, and the doctor's reassured us that he will most likely die in the womb, I found comfort again in knowing we could start all over soon. But now that we have been informed that he will most likely live a comfortable but squooshed life for 16 more weeks inside of me, and I will have to labor and birth him like normal, I am discouraged. It seems like a lot of waiting. A lot of sadness. How can I bear this? How can I feel kicking daily, get larger by the week, take a glucose test, take a tour of the new UCLA hospital, and begin to have appointments more often, without being too sad! Without feeling like it is "all for nothing."

One of Annabelle's all time favorite songs is "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". And as we sing it, I am reminded of how I must pray without ceasing. The song says,

"What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and grief to bear.
What a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer."

I also need to remind myself of how God has numbered the days of my son and knows him more intimately than I ever could. I am constantly being tested as to who I live for and what I find joy in. If I find joy in life's circumsances, I will not always be able to find joy in life. A couple of friends and I meet every other week to pray for each other and make sure we are keeping our life on track. We started off asking each other "What has robbed you of your joy this week?" It was a great question to get us thinking of where are priorities had gone wrong and where we need to turn things over to God. Well, this week, I have let my joy be robbed by my impatience. By my disappointment that God won't just heal my baby and give me a "happy" and "easy" life. I often catch myself say, "Ok God, I have learned that you are in control....now, can it be all over. What more do I have to learn?"

Well, pray that I can find joy in the waiting, knowing God is good. I don't want to settle for a land that isn't as plentiful as what God has waiting for me. I know He is blessing us in this trial. I cannot see all the good He has planned for us.

Here is a pic just to make you smile.....it always does me:)

Taste and See the Lord is Good

Sorry for not blogging for over a month. I think about blogging every other day, but I am truly trying to "look well to the way of my household and not eat the bread of idleness" as Proverbs 31:27 exhorts all women to do. And truly, it takes all my energy every day to make sure I do that well, and still, I often fail. However, I have been having so much "fun", if you can call it that, scheduling my days, getting ahead on grocery shopping, planning and cooking, cleaning and organizing, that I truly do forget or lose energy to correspond with all my friends.

With that said, I do want to update you with info from our last doctor's appointment. Our last ultrasound informed us that the bladder is now twice the size of the baby and the baby is getting harder and harder to spot in the ultrasound. His heart is still beating like crazy, but they are confident the heart will stop beating long before the due date in the beginning of November. I was grateful to God for having the doctor share with us that because our baby's condition was so escalated so early on in the pregnancy, there was truly nothing we could have done to intervene and try and "fix" things. It was nice to know there was nothing we could have done. Our specialist had never explained to us why; he simply said that there was nothing we could do. It was hard for me to trust him, since so many people have told us to seek out intervention. But Nate trusted God with providing this doctor, so I submited, and now I see the fruit of that. I also see the fruit of submission to Nate in my early decision to not choose a home birth. Since my first two birthing experiences were so great, I was hoping to do a home birth, but Nate loved UCLA and didn't think it necessary to have a home birth, especially since it would be an extra cost. Well, come to find out, having a homebirth and working solely with a midwife, I would not have had an ultrasound until 20 weeks into the prenancy. That means I would not have found out of this problem with the baby until just a few weeks ago. I am so grateful I have known as long as I have and have been able to slowly grieve. I was not happy with Nate's decision, but now I see the fruit of submitting to him:)

Our next step is to make official burial arrangements. We are praying for God to provide financially for the burial, and it is exciting to see how He is beginning to do that. It is so great to know that God will take care of us and we need not worry about anything, even crazy expensive burials! Our next appointment is July 22nd, and if there is not heartbeat at that time, I will be induced. IF there is a heartbeat, then we will wait until the next doctor's appointment. I still feel him moving like crazy, so I am confident there will be a heartbeat in two weeks, but you never know what God has planned.

It has been crazy to think that God made my baby this way, and it wasn't just a product of this sinful world and our bodies not working properly, but I can't refute what the Bible says. He forms us in the womb, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. He is our maker. He didn't just make Adam and Eve and let humanity do the rest. He makes all of us. So, I have found much comfort knowing that God loves him more than I can, and He made him this way and will be near to Him in this process.

I have been leading a Bible Study on 2 Peter this summer with some girls from church, and we were studying the idea of treating the Scriptures as a light in this dark world. We so often forget how dark it is. I encourage you all to hold onto them, read God's word and never forget how dark this world is. My friend encouraged me to remember Psalm 34:8 that says "O taste and see that the Lord is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!" He is not only our light, but He must be our food. Not all of you are going through tough times like me, but you will. And it is helpful to be FULL on God's word before you have to go through the rough times. So, as I try to discipline myself to eat of God's word, I encourage you to do the same.

Happy eating:)