Just earlier today, before our appointment, Nate and I were commenting on patience, as we looked at our squeeze bottle of ketchup. Since Nate can retain any type of information, he remembers movies and commercials better than anyone I know...so, he remembers the commercial for Heinz ketchup that said "Good things come to those who wait." This was back in the day when we had glass bottles that needed a little jiggling to get ketchup out. But we live in a world, where everyone is looking for the fastest and easiest way to do things.
Anyways, Nate and I had another doctor's appointment last week and have been reminded of how the hardest is yet to come, and we have more waiting to do. It is hard to imagine God expecting us to wait any longer or the end to come, but I know He will provide the strength. Our specialist couldn't be there for the ultrasound today due to jury duty, so we had a different doctor with us who spent at least 20 minutes talking to us and explaining things to us. Since our baby boy hasn't died yet, they are now expecting him to go full term. He is growing regularly and still moving. He will come spontaneously like any normal baby, and we will deliver him like we have our two other girls. He will look a little different, but for the most part, he will be a normal baby with a super large abdomen. He will struggle to take his first breath and then turn blue.
I remember when we found out about his obtructed bladder at 10 weeks, and I found comfort in the idea that we could miscarry soon and "this would all be over with." As the weeks go by, and the doctor's reassured us that he will most likely die in the womb, I found comfort again in knowing we could start all over soon. But now that we have been informed that he will most likely live a comfortable but squooshed life for 16 more weeks inside of me, and I will have to labor and birth him like normal, I am discouraged. It seems like a lot of waiting. A lot of sadness. How can I bear this? How can I feel kicking daily, get larger by the week, take a glucose test, take a tour of the new UCLA hospital, and begin to have appointments more often, without being too sad! Without feeling like it is "all for nothing."
One of Annabelle's all time favorite songs is "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". And as we sing it, I am reminded of how I must pray without ceasing. The song says,
"What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and grief to bear.
What a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer."
I also need to remind myself of how God has numbered the days of my son and knows him more intimately than I ever could. I am constantly being tested as to who I live for and what I find joy in. If I find joy in life's circumsances, I will not always be able to find joy in life. A couple of friends and I meet every other week to pray for each other and make sure we are keeping our life on track. We started off asking each other "What has robbed you of your joy this week?" It was a great question to get us thinking of where are priorities had gone wrong and where we need to turn things over to God. Well, this week, I have let my joy be robbed by my impatience. By my disappointment that God won't just heal my baby and give me a "happy" and "easy" life. I often catch myself say, "Ok God, I have learned that you are in control....now, can it be all over. What more do I have to learn?"
Well, pray that I can find joy in the waiting, knowing God is good. I don't want to settle for a land that isn't as plentiful as what God has waiting for me. I know He is blessing us in this trial. I cannot see all the good He has planned for us.
Here is a pic just to make you smile.....it always does me:)
Anyways, Nate and I had another doctor's appointment last week and have been reminded of how the hardest is yet to come, and we have more waiting to do. It is hard to imagine God expecting us to wait any longer or the end to come, but I know He will provide the strength. Our specialist couldn't be there for the ultrasound today due to jury duty, so we had a different doctor with us who spent at least 20 minutes talking to us and explaining things to us. Since our baby boy hasn't died yet, they are now expecting him to go full term. He is growing regularly and still moving. He will come spontaneously like any normal baby, and we will deliver him like we have our two other girls. He will look a little different, but for the most part, he will be a normal baby with a super large abdomen. He will struggle to take his first breath and then turn blue.
I remember when we found out about his obtructed bladder at 10 weeks, and I found comfort in the idea that we could miscarry soon and "this would all be over with." As the weeks go by, and the doctor's reassured us that he will most likely die in the womb, I found comfort again in knowing we could start all over soon. But now that we have been informed that he will most likely live a comfortable but squooshed life for 16 more weeks inside of me, and I will have to labor and birth him like normal, I am discouraged. It seems like a lot of waiting. A lot of sadness. How can I bear this? How can I feel kicking daily, get larger by the week, take a glucose test, take a tour of the new UCLA hospital, and begin to have appointments more often, without being too sad! Without feeling like it is "all for nothing."
One of Annabelle's all time favorite songs is "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". And as we sing it, I am reminded of how I must pray without ceasing. The song says,
"What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and grief to bear.
What a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer."
I also need to remind myself of how God has numbered the days of my son and knows him more intimately than I ever could. I am constantly being tested as to who I live for and what I find joy in. If I find joy in life's circumsances, I will not always be able to find joy in life. A couple of friends and I meet every other week to pray for each other and make sure we are keeping our life on track. We started off asking each other "What has robbed you of your joy this week?" It was a great question to get us thinking of where are priorities had gone wrong and where we need to turn things over to God. Well, this week, I have let my joy be robbed by my impatience. By my disappointment that God won't just heal my baby and give me a "happy" and "easy" life. I often catch myself say, "Ok God, I have learned that you are in control....now, can it be all over. What more do I have to learn?"
Well, pray that I can find joy in the waiting, knowing God is good. I don't want to settle for a land that isn't as plentiful as what God has waiting for me. I know He is blessing us in this trial. I cannot see all the good He has planned for us.
Here is a pic just to make you smile.....it always does me:)
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you, Love you, and am praying for you. I can't imagine your burden right now. I'm so sorry. I am praying for you for strength and patience and joy and that you will be able to see God's blessing and comfort in abundance. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. I know I am continually touched by your testimony in all this and it definately encourages me to draw closer to our Lord and be much more thankful. Love you.
ReplyDeleteHey Deb. You've been on my heart lately and I've been meaning to call you! Thanks for sharing with us.
ReplyDeleteI know the waiting is hard when the outcome is so very difficult, but let me tell you from experience with the families I've delivered what a blessing it would be to meet your baby boy and look into his tiny eyes before he goes to be with Jesus. It may seem all too heavy of a load to bear right now, but as you continue to prepare yourself, think about treasuring the birth of your baby exactly for what it is...a birth. Your baby boy is special, and LOVED, and important. My friend, you will not labor for nothing. You will have a precious, beautiful baby boy. He may not be compatible with this earth for very long, but treasure every precious second and minute or hour of his life that you will get to hold him and look into his face and capture memories that you will hold dear forever.
I love you and am praying for you sister, and I would love to talk whenever you need to. :)
Psalm 139:13-16,
ReplyDelete"For you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works and my soul knows it well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes have seen my unformed substance: and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them."
Be encouraged! You have people all around praying for you and your family.