My Grief Lingers

"Hey Mama, look, there is a snail!" squeels Annabelle as we look at an animal book, "We don't like snails.  Eeeewww!  They are ooey gooey.  Just like baby brother's head."  And she laughs.  "And we held him and rocked him and then he went to be with Jesus."  I sigh and chuckle at how little minds wander so quickly form thought to thought.  "And one day mama, when I get older and I a mommy, my belly is gonna grow bigger and bigger and then my baby will go to heaven."  I want to cry and tears well up.  She is so sweet and only remembers baby brother Paul with fond memories, and she has no idea that sadness should accompany any of those beautiful memories in the hospital room.  But I know.  I miss that day. 

I know I am not alone.  Loss.  Empty arms.  Empty womb.  The longing to hold a warm, cuddly baby.  I cry.  I wish.  I long.  There is no specific time of day or month that brings me sadness, just these moments when my girls pray for Paul and remember him fondly. 

I swallow the lump in my throat and have to remind her that not all babies go straight to heaven, as I bring to her mind all the little babies we love and see often.  After these precious conversations, I sometimes cry, sometimes dream and sometimes push my feelings aside and just do the next thing. 

I have to wrestle with these real thoughts and feelings, and I have been forced to ask God how He would have me handle these hard moments that happen daily.

Things I know for certain:

Am I relying on the birth of another child to make me whole or to feel complete? Or am I relying on my position as a child of God to make me feel complete. Only the latter will happen. If I can choose to find joy in today, then I can experience joy in all things, not just joyous circumstances.

HOPE..."and we exult in hope of the glory of God.  And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint,  because the love of God has been pured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  Romans 5:2-5

My hope is in who God is.
My hope is in my salvation.
My hope is in God's perfect love for me.
My hope is in God's promise to perfect my faith.
My hope is in Jesus' promise to come back and bring us to a world where there is no suffering.
My hope is that while I was dead, Christ died or me.

My hope is not in the idea that I may have another child.
My hope is not in the idea that I will one day get what I want.
My hope is not in the easy life.
My hope is not my will be done.

I know this is a crazy post to share on a day I have dedicated to counting God's blessings, but I want to share a little of this process of grief with you friends and encourage those on the same path. 

WHAT IS THE GOAL?  To be like Christ. 

The tears may keep coming, and the longings will still plague us, but only God can satisfy.  Our arms yearn for babies, but only God can satisfy.  I cannot spend my time wishing God will one day grant my heart's desire, but I must spend my time asking Him to conform my will to His, for He loves us more than we will ever love our children...that is true.  I can be joyful, even if I don't feel like it.  God will use my grief  to transform me and shape me.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your fath produces steadfastness And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  James 1:2

I must dwell on true, pure and holy ideas and hope in what I know for sure, and that is where my heart's longings will be satisfied.  I pray you can be satisfied today by counting God's blessings, beginning with His grace on your life.

Father, I praise you for choosing me.  I am unworthy and yet You still love me.  I praise You that I can be confident in You and hope in Your salvation.   

Thank you Lord for Paul.  Thank you for taking him.  Thank you for exactly where I am.  Thank you for the family you have given me.  Thank you for tears.  Thank you for knowing my sorrow and carrying me through.

A Few Family Favorites

God has been so gracious to encourage me in housekeeping and parenting through several Christ honoring blogs, and they have directed me to great books, great ideas and great practices.  So, in hopes to encourage a few of you friends who may be searching for good finds, just like I am, I am going to tell you of just a few books that are family favorites.  We seek to only put the best into our minds and the minds of our children, so that is why, I believe, our search will never end:)  I have also added a few favorites my girls love to play with.  I hope you have fun looking into them and see whether they will work for your family! 

Adam Raccoon series of Parables for Children by Glen Keane
    ~ Reinforces Biblical truths with fun stories and great pictures.  Annabelle is addicted to all of them.  They are free from our church library, but you can also get them used for really inexpensive.
The Year at Maple Hill Farm
   ~A great, detailed way to teach about the farm and the months and seasons.  We don't own this one either...we just get it from the local library.
Pickle Chiffon Pie
   ~This is for fun.  A silly way to teach kindness and consideration for others.  This was no where to be found, so I had to buy it, but i was worth every penny.
The Illustrated ICB Bible: The New Testament
   ~This Bible is the whole Bible, word for word in the ICB translation, and the pictures are drawn comic style.



Woodkins
~ An easy way for little hands, 18 months and older, to dress up dolls.  Pieces of cloth can be put between two pieces of wood, and voila, the doll is dressed.  Easy as that.
Lauri Puzzles
~ These are great, now that Annabelle is 3.  Before, she couldn't really do them well, but now she is learning her letters while having fun.
KUMON cutting and tracing workbooks
~ These need supervision, and they are more for working together, but Annabelle loves them.

Mornings...First Things First

I mentioned recently that God had been showing me that I need "to number my days so that I may gain a heart of wisdom."  Our lives are short, and we need to entreat God to guide us in living faithfully to make the most of our time.  And if we can gain wisdom by numbering our days, and if "by wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches" (Proverbs 24:3-4), then I must seek God in guiding me to number these days He has so graciously given me.

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil."  Ephesians 5:15

I have taken a careful look at my days...

I only have two little ones, so our days aren't nearly as structured and demanding as some families, and it is very easy to think I don't need a plan.  However, my time is not truly mine.  In Scripture, it is clear that we must guard our hearts and minds, because sin is lurking to devour and it can so easily entangle us.  I don't want to be lazy, and I want seek God with my whole heart. 

The choices I make today will directly affect the choices my family and friends will make tomorrow.  Just as the sin of one can affect the whole body of believers, so can the faithful living of one encourage the whole body. 

And here I am, thinking on my days.  My mornings.  My chores.  My meals.  Free time.  Our evenings.  How can I make the most of my time?  I can get so caught up in finding the right way to parent, to clean house, to plan meals, to educate my children and to be a wife, and yet I must remember that God wants our heart.  Before I try to be the best mom and wife I can be, I must seek God and give Him my whole heart.  I do not want to labor in vain (Psalm 127) and do not want to make plans without God's guidance, remembering that God will direct my steps.  (Proverbs 19:21) Plans are tricky.  Culture can cloud our judgment.  This is why our plans must be brought to Him day and night, so that we can renew our thinking.

With that said, I take pen to paper and seek to order my days, so that I might redeem the time to glorify God.  I remember that all my time is holy.  Laundry.  Cooking.  Discipline.  Walks.  All I do is a sacrifice to God, with gratitude.  In all things, I can enjoy Him, whether it be daily duty or fun fellowship. 

A plan is best.  Everyone schedules differently, and each family works differently, but a plan is best.  We can so easily wander, and we need something that brings us back to the goal.  The goal of training our children to love God with their whole hearts.  The goal to enjoy God throughout the day.  The goal to be disciplined.  This calls for a plan.  Loose or srtict, by the minute or a flow chart, it does not matter, but we must have a plan. 

I have found that whatever needs to be accomplished in the day, must be done first.  If the day falls into shambles, or if sickness takes over, or if a friends needs care, what must get done needs to be done in the morning, before the day begins. 

My tme with the Lord is essential.  My time in prayer, quiet before my Maker, and my time in His word that promises to bring peace, hope, restoration and guidance, must be done before the sun is up and the children wake.  Psalm 5:3 says, "O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch."  I want to seek God's truth in the morning, pray over my day and my concerns and watch with expectancy to see what God might accomplish that day.  It is a sacrifice to wake early, and it is a sacrifice done more easily when I go bed earlier the night before, which is a discipline I am still learning.  Any mom knows that if a morning goes not as planned, it is hard to change the flow for the rest of the day.  Mornings must be intentional and directed toward the Lord. 

I now wake between 6 and 6:30 so I may spend time with the Lord, shower and be ready for the day, and if time allows, spend time in personal endeavors. 

I have found that I can become more irritable and less patient when I am trying to do what I want to do, whereas, if I order my days with God by my side, then I can plan a day where the necessities are accomplished, fun can still be had, and the home can be orderly. 

I pray that you are encouraged to seek God in the morning!

**Pictures taken on a walk today with the girls.  Learning about bees and flowers, singing Amazing Grace, and enjoying sweet fellowship with a friend. 

Quiet Days

The Simple Life and Quiet Days.

In the past week, we have been graced with more rain than I can ever remember.  I have enjoyed it thoroughly and am soon going to miss it.  We couldn't really go anywhere, so we stayed in for days, reading books, playing puzzles, baking, and painting.  It forced us to enjoy the simple pleasures in life that God gives us each day.  No Trader Joes or Target.  No playdates or Starbucks runs.  No distractions. 

Recently, God has challenged me to "number my days, so that I may gain a heart of wisdom."  (Psalm 90)  Making the most of each minute, as a child of God, a wife and a parent.  This rain has given me a great opportunity to see all the areas where I need to improve.  I need more self-discipline and more structure, and God is slowly showing me how to honor Him more in my time.

So often, the things we fill our days with can distract us from the greatest treasures that are with us each and every day.  And our lack of self-discipline and vision for our days can make living with our family difficult, when God means for familly to blessing.  But, I will save those thoughts for another post. 

But as for now, I will continue counting my blessings...won't you join me?

#141 A quiet morning before anyone in the house stirs.

#142 A quiet day with the girls, painting, water coloring, baking, reading, puzzles and games.

#143 The sound of the rain.

#144 The new and glorious hum of our fancy new heater

#145 The gift of Financial Peace University, 2 years ago, that taught us the lost art of living beneath our means and without debt, which enabled us to have the cash to purchase the heater debt-free, and most importantly, stress free.

#146 Neighbors to share eggs and butter with:)

#147 Fresh baked cookies with a sweet little Aunt

#148 The gift of the Psalms and Proverbs, a way to refresh my mind each day.

#149 Good friends, new and old.

#150 My knees to kneel in humility before my God, whom I can do nothing without!

#151 A sweet afternoon celebrating a couple soon to wed

#152 Although I love the rain, I praise God He has placed me in SoCal where the promise of many sunny days are just around the corner:)

#153 A good friend to shed some tears with.

#154 Laughing...Pastor Hegg, you are hilarious!

I pray you are encouraged to sit quietly and enjoy God, our creator and Father, our Savior. In creation. In family. In duty. His pleasures surround us, we just need to turn our eyes on Him.

Is God Enough?

If You washed away my vanity
If You took away my words
If all my world was swept away
Would You be enough for me?
Would my beating heart still sing?

If I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away?
If You take it all, this life You’ve given
Still my heart will sing to You

When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there’s nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?

Even if You take it all away
You’ll never let me go
You take it all away and I still know

That I’m Yours, I ‘m still Yours
Oh I’m Yours, I’m still Yours

~Kutless, It is Well album, I'm Still Yours

I hope this song can encourage many of You to lean on God in all things. He is enough. He is all we need. Today, as I listened to this song, I began to cry, praying that nothing will steal my heart away and that God is always enough for me. I pray you are encouraged and I was by these wise words.

Will my hands stay lifted?
Will my beating heart still sing?

I pray so!

A Little Habit to Excite Prayer

This morning, before the sun had risen, I found myself awake with little Ava who was ready to begin the day. As she ate and played and I relaxed on the couch with my coffee and Bible, I was amused at all that she did to entertain herself. She ended up taking her socks off, putting them on her hands, and pretending to be daddy who puts gloves on his hands to clean out her wound (which is almost healed, btw.) She was pretending to put a new band aid on Mickey, and she was saying all the things we say to comfort her.


She listens. She watches. She mimics.


Habits. They are an amazing thing. They are so easy to fall into.


I have annoying habits, like picking my nails, and I have sinful habits, like using harsh language and a mean voice when I am frustrated. And I have seen and heard these habits manifested in my girls, both picking nails and raising voices. It makes me cringe to think of all the sin I have modeled for them.


Enough of bad habits. I have too many. Nate and I are ready to intentionally choose good habits that will glorify God and create a humble and worshipful spirit in our family.


Thanks to some wonderful advice, Nate and I decided to enhance prayer time each night, by creating a prayer book filled with all of our Christmas card pictures. Each night, we pray over one family in the book. The girls love seeing the pictures, and now Annabelle looks forward to prayer time and asks to do it. We have begun adding pictures of others that we never received pictures for.


It is a small habit, but as I know all too well, small habits can become lasting ones, and that is the ultimate goal. Praying for others daily and lifting their cares and burdens to God. Humbly lifting our eyes to God together and sharing His love for others. I am so excited to make this a lasting habit.



What spriritual disciplines do your family practice? Ann @ http://www.aholyexperience.com/ encourages us to focus on spritiual disciplines each Wednesday. Check it out!

His Name is Vuzo

I would like you to meet Vuzo Elieza Vuzo, and he was born on October 4, 1997.

In the midst of the blur of the month of October, beginning with the birth and death of our baby boy Paul, we were cared for beyond imagination. We were loved and prayed for. It began by having 27 people in our hospital room, praying with us, singing praises to our God and reading His comforting words. People cried with us and remembered the wonderful Sunday when he was born and we got to hold him in our arms.

Only God's people know how to truly love, because we know True Love.

Alongside prayers and hugs, we received enormous amounts of money as gifts to help us pay for the burial and memorial, and many also gave in hopes we would take a trip or do something to relax and enjoy ourselves.

With all this money, we felt burdened. The burial was more than paid for, and we were so grateful to have the excess, but we continued to pray for God's guidance. Three months later, we still had the money, and God reminded us of what really restores the soul. When we can give out of gratitude to our Lord and Savior, then we can experience joy and true love.

"'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; nake, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.' Then the righteous will answer Him, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And whend did we see You sick or in prison, and come to You?' The King will answer and say to them, 'Truly I say to you, to the exten that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.'" Matthew 25:35-40

God reminded us that many children can be loved just as we had always hoped to love Paul. Once we decided we were going to give the money to children in need, I was so excited. By body tingled with excitement each moment I thought about it. We finally dwindled down all the amazing options to Compassion International, Sleep Sweet, and Samaritan's Purse.

It was so exciting to get Annabelle involved in the process, showing her videos and pictures of children in need. She couldn't believe some girls don't have milk to fill their bellies, "cozy" beds to sleep in, and God's word to fill their minds. And now, even more applicable, she can't imagine people not having doctors to make their sisters "all better". It was easy to get her on board. We told her that we were doing this to show love to others, just as others have shown love to us and as Christ has shown us true love.

We decided to pick a boy sharing the same birthday as Paul to support and love on. He is a part of a Bible program in Tanzania through Compassion International, and we can't wait to partner with this ministry to show Christ's love to someone across the world. We also gave a bed to a child in Uganda who was accustomed to sleeping on the ground through Sleep Sweet. And through Samaritan's Purse, we gave money to provide families with a dairy animal, clothes, and the ability to attend Bible classes.

To all of you who gave of yourself...monetarily, through prayer, through hugs, and through tears...we say THANK YOU. The love of God has been so evident to us, and we praise Him for His many blessings in all of you who shared in this time of suffering with us. Please continue praying for our family's ministry and for our new member of the family, Vuzo.

With Love,
Deb