All get what they want: they do not always like it

Months and months have gone by, and God is working in this heart of mine, and I just haven't quite been able to put it into words.  I still can't, but I will write what I can, and I am sure the rest will come out little by little.

Our due date was June 1st or May 31st, depending on who you talked to.  The day before Thanksgiving, we had an appointment with my midwife to hear the heartbeat for the first time.  We had gone the week before and hadn't been able to hear anything.  Now, at 12 weeks, we knew we should be able to.  We didn't.  After working with this midwife while pregnant with and delivering Daisy, we are like family.  She loves Jesus too, which makes it all the more wonderful.  I could tell.  She looked into my eyes, and I knew.   No heartbeat.

We had an ultrasound.  And a follow up ultrasound.  And another.  All the same.  We aren't new to these feelings.  Second miscarriage.  Third baby to say good bye to.  But it still hurts just the same.  It doesn't get easier.  Yes, it was a great gift to find out early and say good bye earlier than we did with Paul.  But, it is still sad.  A reminder of this broken world we live in.  A reminder of why the new heavens and new earth are something I cling to.  Hope in.  I cried.  A lot.  In front of my midwife.  You know the kind of crying that is embarrassing.  Yep, that kind of crying.

Then we told Annabelle and Ava.  Ooh.  That is no fun.  We all went through waves of emotion.  Annabelle was super sad, wishing we could have known the gender, so we could have named it.  Then, she had a quick spell of thinking God was mean, and she didn't like Him!  "We have three sick babies in Heaven now.  I don't like Him.  Why would He do that!!!"  Even though it is never fun to see your child's folly, this was good.  We have had many great chances to talk through these feelings, compare them to scripture and work through it together.

We had just read in Proverbs 17:3, "The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, but the Lord tests the hearts."  Obviously, my kids didn't understand it, and I barely knew what a crucible was either!  So, we had talked it over and come to understand that testing through suffering and difficulty will help purify us, getting rid of our sin and conforming us to Christ.  And seriously, the next day, we found out about the miscarriage.  It was a real life lesson for all of us...why we can be joyful in this sadness and loss and trust that God is always good.

A few weeks later, after waiting for my body to miscarry on its own, after the baby's heart beat had stopped now for 9 weeks, we decided to go in for a d&c.  I have already had one before Annabelle was born.  I REALLY don't like it.  I hate the idea of what they are doing to you while you are completely out, but God has a lot to teach me.  I was scared and nervous about anything that could go wrong.  Why haven't I learned it yet!!!!  God has got me covered.  I don't need to worry about myself.  I can walk forward with complete confidence and gratitude, knowing that He is with me, guiding me and establishing each step.  Still learning:)

Lately, we have been reading through the Chronicles of Narnia series, and we were at the Magician's Nephew.  Near the end, the witch has entered Narnia at the beginning of its existence, as Aslan is still creating.  She finds a garden with fruit that can give you eternal youth, climbs the wall and eats of the fruit.

At the entrance to the garden, it was written,

"Come in by the gold gates or not at all,
Take of my fruit for others or forbear.
For those who steal or those who climb my wall
Shall find their heart's desire and find despair."

Later, when talking to the children, Aslan says, "While that Tree flourishes she will never come down into Narnia.  She dare not come within a hundred miles of the Tree, for its smell, which is joy and life and health to you, is death and horror and despair to her."  Polly becomes confused, because she saw the witch eat the apple and saw the joy in the witch's face.  Aslan then explains to them that since she has eaten one, that is "why all the rest are now a horror to her.  That is what happens to those who pluck and eat fruits at the wrong time and in the wrong way.  The fruit is good, but they loathe it ever after."  And Polly replies, "And I suppose because she took it in the wrong way it won't work with her.  I mean it won't make her always young and all that?" "Alas," said Aslan, "It will.  Things always work according to their nature.  She has won her heart's desire; she has unwearying strength and endless days like a goddess.  But length of days with an evil heart is only length of misery and already she begins to know it.  All get what they want: they do not always like it."

This might not mean much to you, my dear readers, but God is teaching me, and I am slowly learning that I don't know what is best.  I can't trust that what I want is what I really want.   I need what God plans for me.  I don't need what I want.  As my mind is renewed in God's truths, and as I trust in Him more each day, He will give me the desires of my heart.  I will desire for God's will to be done.  My immediate happiness cannot be my concern.  I do not want to strive for what I want....lots of children, an easy peesy life, or no more suffering....then finally get what I want, and then realize that none of it will satisfy!  Only Christ will satisfy.  If I never have any more children, or if he gifts us with more, either way, my joy is found in salvation through Christ alone.  Whether I have health problems forever, or never enter a hospital again, I hope in God alone.

I praise God and thank Him.  Thank Him for my d&c.  Thank Him for this loss.  Thank Him for caring more about conforming me to Christ, than about my immediate happiness.  I praise God for being so strong and so Holy, that He never wavers, and He always does what is best for His children.  He never withholds good from the upright, from those who call Him Father.  I thank Him for reminding me that true JOY is only found in the center of God's will.

Much love from one sister to another,

Deb

Here I am, living life with these three fabulous girls.  We share most every moment of life together, and they are a joy.  They definitely are a tool God uses to refine me each and everyday, and I love it.

I throw all three into the bath to scrub down the day.

I go to get the waking baby girl in her crib, just to find that her sisters already did.

Little Daisy turned 1.  And she daintily ate most of a two tiered mini bright pink cake.  Loved it.

We enjoy each season together, and it is a joy to see all three enjoy the Pumpkin Patch together.

And yes, now God has granted us another baby, and Lord willing, we can share the bath with another wiggling, giggling, slippery baby.  Share the crib with another friend.  Share another birthday. Share life with another gift.  Due sometime in June, I am about 9 weeks:)  Sicker and more exhausted than ever, and remembering each day, that this is a great sign!

Please keep us in prayer.  God is still working on me and my anxiety when it comes to these first appointments.  It is hard for me to not look back to memories of Paul, and think that may happen again, or something like it.  And then, God gently whispers and reminds me that it too would be a gift to have another hard pregnancy or baby with abnormalities.  He graciously reminds me that I don't have babies for me and my comfort, convenience and happiness.  I am a servant, here to serve these people, these gifts God has given me.  And what a gift Paul was, and is.

God's goodness, all summer long

This summer has been a great season, a season of enjoying God's world, enjoying family and waiting for new family to join us.  We are waiting for a new baby boy to join our family any day, and next month, I gain another sister in law!  Blessings upon blessings.  

My sister's baby, due any day!

Yep, we're standing.

Nothing like 110 degrees.

Grammie and her girls

Fishing with Pop Pop

First day of school!

The mess we make on a daily basis!

What to really leave behind...

 "I will extol you, My God and King, and bless your name forever and ever.  Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever.  Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable.  One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your might acts."

 Psalm 145: 1-4

'Tis the season of vacations, days at the beach, afternoons by the pool, sweet tea in hand.  Traditions on the mind.  Creating memories on the lists.  Creating a home, a family unity.

After spending some time by the beach this past week with my dear family and sweet grandmother, I have also listened to stories of regret, stories of the past.  Summers past.  Things we wish we could change and do over.

Time flies.  We all know it.  I used to roll my eyes each time my nana would say it, but now I know it.  The older you get, the faster time flies by.

Small decisions.  Daily decisions add up into years, and years into a lifetime.  What we do each day and each summer will add up.  One day, I too will be 80, reflecting on what I passed down, on what I made important.

What will I pass down?  What will remain when I leave?  In one hundred years, will it matter where I vacationed, the traditions we kept, the recipes I passed along, how I cleaned the house?  Even though I wish I knew my great grandmothers fail-proof recipe for cinnamon rolls or her favorite dinner recipe, does it really matter in the end?  

Traditions.  They matter, but we must remain focused.  Are we family-centric or Christ-centric?  Do we celebrate family or enjoy the family as we celebrate God?  Our families must remain strong, so we can disciple and train, love and encourage, admonish and exhort, and our focus must be God's glory, not family fun.  One must come before other.  

I always have to check myself, when I start to get anxious about vacations, traditions and family fun.  Holiday crafts, recipes and fun...all great, but none necessary.  What will last?  What matters?  Who are we celebrating?  Who are we trying to please?  Do we want to be remembered, or do we want HIM  to be remembered?  

On vacation, it is tempting to throw all routine out the window and be free from all discipline, but now that my family knows about our family Bible time, we are held accountable....Praise the Lord.  Girls wet and sandy from playing at the beach on a sunset walk in the sand, we scrubbed them down and huddled around the Bible and the guitar, read a Psalm, sang a song and prayed for our dear family and friends. 

What a blessing.  What a memory.  What a tradition.  I pray that in years to come, the one tradition that sticks is keeping God's word as our anchor, growing deep roots in His truth, and making His glory our top priority.

Remembering we can't trust our feelings or emotions.  Though we are tired and burdened, with lots of family and friends, out of routine, making time to remember our God is the best thing we could ever do with our families.  It even tops the sunset at the beach and sand between your toes.  Rest is important, but rest can't be accomplished apart from Christ.  He is our rest.

As Nate and I listen to my Nana recall summers past, and memories flood her mind, I am reminded again that  God doesn't call for perfection, just praise.  Each generation can build upon the last, by learning from past sins and victories.  What a blessing to sit around a table with those who have gone before us, learning.  Vacations.  Such a sweet time to reflect on God's goodness and grace!

Sweet Nana...passing on the love for Jesus...4 generations deep!

It's all for you

Palm Springs vacation.  Nothing quite as cute as naps in strollers.  Check this hotel out.  So inexpensive in the spring!  And a lovely place for families.

 It has been a rough season.  A season of sleeplessness.  A season of tough family choices and changes.  Blazing new trails, with three little children, seeking to please God in it all.  But in the middle of it all, I am daily faced with a choice...will today be for you God or for me?  Will I find comfort and strength in myself, my own understanding, my own ideas, or will I trust you God?  Will I sacrifice the easy life for You?  My Father and Creator?  Sustainer and Redeemer?

I have been reminded over and over again, that if I am stressing out or anxious, it is an opportunity to reflect.  Is my goal to obey and please God, and further glorify Him?  If so, then I have the privilege of trusting in Him.  Stop seeking to have the outcome be as I desire or the path be easy.  Life is not meant to be easy.  Not everyone is going to agree with my decisions.  That is ok.  If it is all for Jesus, then He is my audience.  He is my motivation.  He is the object of my affections and my daily toil.

Nope, we don't live in the country, put my sweet sis just moved near a bunch of ranches,
so for now, this is the closest we will get:)

 As I change diapers, correct sinful attitudes and ways (in my children and myself), clean a forever messy house, submit to and love my husband (even when I don't understand), make difficult choices, I simply and quietly whisper to myself...."Lord, this is all for you.  I do this for You.  Because I love you."

On a family vacation in Palm Springs, we went to the Children's Discovery Museum.  It is a must see if you are passing through or staying for a while.  Imagination Fun!

What peace follows!  God is faithful.  His Spirit of peace dwells within me and always grants peace.  I pray today you may have a day filled with peace, trusting in God's ways.

I don't know if you can see it, but this was a double rainbow!  God is so good.

Happy Mother's Day!!

***This post is being published by Casadeperkins' husband, who only wishes all readers to know she is very much appreciated***

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

Debra,

​I am taken back daily at your imperishable beauty.  Seven years ago when we covenanted to forsake all others, I did not know what I had.  To be sure, I knew you were special and could not imagine being wedded to anyone else, but in this I am most greatly blessed.  Just when I thought I had seen you at your best, we had Annabelle, and I got to see you as a mother (not just once but three times over!).  In motherhood, your true greatness shows throughout.  Not because you transverse everyday with ease and perfection, but because you have sought to be transformed into the image of Christ all along the way.  In response to this beauty, I stand in awe.  Our girls are so blessed to be discipled by such a wonderful mother; amother that will show them Christ in all things.  In motherhood, you have joyfully chosen a lowly profession, in the world's eye, and present your beautiful humility.  I cannot express my gratitude, appreciation, love for what you do, for who you are.  Ultimately I know you have only desired to glorify our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but in that pursuit you have graced and blessed our family with an immeasurable gift.

"Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all,"

-Proverbs 31:29

Nate  

Dear Mom

 I published this Thursday night, the day before I was to pick her after her exit interview.  But I just didn't know if it was as honoring to my mom and glorifying to God as I had hoped.  I am a perfectionist and I know that once words are spoken, it is nearly impossible to ever take them back.  But somehow, after deleting it, my mom still found it and read it online!  She loved it.  So, without editing, here it is.  

For my mom, the best mom, not because she is perfect, but because she loves Jesus and taught me to love Him too.  Tomorrow will be her last official day as an employee at Disney, working for Buena Vista Home Entertainment for 31 years.  It has been a process.  Isn't it always?  God's plan for our sanctification.  A process.  She has worked everyday, all day for as long as I can remember.  We always knew she loved us, and I personally loved daycare and school, but we always knew something just wasn't right.  Not to say working outside the home is an evil sin, but as children, we knew we should be with our mom, making food, cleaning house, being silly and just living together.  But for the past 31 years, she has spent countless waking hours in a building in Burbank, giving a huge part of her life to a company.  

As I began to have children of my own, wrestling with my own thoughts of motherhood, I wanted her home more than ever, encouraging her any chance I had that we don’t care about what she can buy us or where she lives….we just want her home!  I wanted her to experience the blessing of homemaking and caring for family.  When I look into my children's eyes, spending each day with my three special blessings, I can never imagine how hard it was for my dear mom to drop us off at 7am and pick us up at 6pm.  How many tears she must have shed!  How many years of exhaustion she must have suffered, struggling to be mother, full-time employee, wife, daughter and friend.  

God had done a work in her lately, preparing for the next step in her life.  Several weeks before she was let go, she prayed to God, asking Him to let her be home.  What a scary request!  Many years ago, my step dad encouraged her to stay home, but she wasn't ready.  Now, with a large mortgage, debt, years of working behind her, three years from retirement, God had prepared her heart…she was ready.  She wanted to care for her home and her family.  So, God saw fit to use these current lay-offs to bless her.  However, this isn't how anyone wants to leave a company!  When my sister and I got the call from mom that she had been laid off, we immediately began planning a celebration party.  Finally!  Mom could be home.  We didn't care how poor she will be or how it might affect us, we knew God had it all under control.  What a scary endeavor for my mom!  And now that you have the back story, a letter to my mom follows:

Dear mom,

Please, never think we could ever be upset with you for the years you worked.  I know you carry around bags of inexpressible guilt for all those years you weren't with us.  Please know that we love you.  We know you love us.  The best gift you ever gave us was the gift of Jesus, and that is all we ever needed.  No amount of hours home could ever cure our sinful hearts.  We need Jesus, and you so graciously shared Him with us.  In tears I write you this letter, as I think of all the tears you have shed over your concern for us.  Please remember that in our weakness, we are made strong in Christ.  Stop striving for perfection or regretting your past.  As you walk out those doors tomorrow and see my car waiting to pick you up, please smile.  It will be a car full of girls waiting for their Nonni, waiting to celebrate Jesus in this moment.  Celebrate Him working through you.  Know that your years spent in that building were used by God.  It wasn't a waste.  I know you know that.  

Yes, you wish it would have happened differently, all of it.  The working.  The leaving.  The marrying.  The divorcing.  The choices.  But please remember that in all of it, you showed us a humble heart willing to be molded by God.  What a gift!  And now, as I watch you walk this unknown road, you are doing it gracefully.  Yes, you might lose your house.  Yes, life will be a little more difficult, but you are so faithfully trusting in Jesus.  God will guide you and you are ready.  Thank you for this encouragement.  And as the newness wears off, and life is back to normal for the rest of us, please remember that it is a great ministry to make dad smile when you make pot roast, or clean a nasty toilet, or talk to a friend, or hold a baby.  You have been so "productive" for so long, and I want you to remember that it is okay to rest.  

Sanctification is hard, but hard is good.  I know you know this, but it is always good to be reminded:)  I will always be here to hold your hand, brush your hair, rub your back or pray with you, and when you get older, I can't wait to take care of you!

Thank you mom.  I love you.  

p.s. remember, a park day with Nonni is just as exciting as a day at Disneyland....we get to teach these girls what fun is!!